Turquoise Traipsing

So today was pretty great hanging with my mom. There’s not a lot I can’t talk to her about and today I was able to catch with her on a lot. 

On the way home she sprung some news on me though; she is getting remarried. 

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I couldn’t believe that it snowed overnight.

How could it have when my flesh was boiling under my covers while I slept?

Skin still hot from being buried alive under two heavy mexican blankets and a quilt, skin still hot from the flush of anger I’ve been hiding under baggy t-shirts and a tired pale pallor. 

The pathetic amount of snow dusting the poor people’s suburbia outside only reminded me how let down I’ve felt all weekend. Let down by myself, let down by others—a feeling that feels like rubbing salt into my bitter cracked angry flesh.

Breakups are overwhelming especially when you are delivered the pieces in the mail, expected to understand and accept that this is how it was meant to be.

Deluged with every moment between now and late hazy summer, I’ve been sifting the pieces trying to find that one piece that doesn’t fit with the rest, narrowing down the crime to its weapon of destruction.

Not wanting to see anyone and not wanting to be alone, dressed and ready and under the covers—the art of half-assed practiced in repose. 

Glad the mothermonster was gone and even more glad that his face arrived on my doorstep. Arrived ready to drink wine and watch bad tv under blankets, avoiding touching feet because our friend love does not include cold toes. 

Maybe that’s what I need to hold on to—the friends who intuitively know my needs and steal my bed and blankets not the ones that only enjoy my presence as a place to hear their echo.  

Now that the excuse for snow has melted I can outside.

I really want kids. I really want to be a parent.

I also know that while I want to birth children, I love any kids in my life and I want to foster/adopt kids who haven’t had the easiest life. It just doesn’t make sense for me not to open my heart and home to a child in need. 

Not going to be easy but I have never been more at peace with this decision. 

So here is to my new goal. Financial stability that the state will recognize as enough for me to foster a child by the time I’m 30. 

Love making new goals. 

There is an assistant multicultural center director opening on my campus that I am totally qualified for.

BUT

Because I haven’t had this job for that long and it would definitely burn bridges if they even found out I applied, I feel like I can’t apply. Maybe if I thought I was a shoe-in but I know I would be competing with over 80 other applicants (that’s how many there were for my current position).  

So bye bye dream job, hope I see you again someday in my lifetime! 

This was bitter post. 

Was asked to give my ecojustice/daily toxins/greener cleaners workshop at a pagan temple. Rad. 

Sat on the floor with one of the youth I mentor, he’s ten and autistic. We had a long conversation about not feeling in control in our bodies and what it means to lash out physically or be overally physical as a way to claim space that he (and I with my dyspraxia) are more than our diagnoses/disorders and yet we’ve learned/learning to keep the physical acting out in to avoid breaking social constructs of agency. Really wonderful conversation, love youth. 

Realizing I want some cuddles bad enough I’m even entertaining going on a date with someone I know is no good, just for the physical intimacy (he’s a cuddler). I’ve asked my friend to cuddle with me in the mean time and he agree although we can’t tell anyone so that his big machismo reputation isn’t tarnished. Not like anyone cares, people have caught us in bed half naked cuddling and no one gives a fuck. 

I need a haircut, bad.